Every Mom Deserves a Potato Day

I would like to formally introduce you to one of my favorite therapeutic interventions: the Potato Day. Very clinical terminology. Highly sophisticated. Years of education went into this.

A Potato Day is exactly what it sounds like. You become a potato. You lay around. You wear comfortable clothes. You accomplish very little. You may watch television. You may scroll your phone. You may take a nap. You may stare at the ceiling for an unreasonable amount of time.

You are not optimizing. You are not catching up. You are not finally organizing the junk drawer because you “have some downtime.” Absolutely not. Potatoes do not organize junk drawers.

A Potato Day is intentionally allowing yourself to enter the blue zone of regulation. And I believe every mom deserves one.

There are, however, rules.

Rule Number One: You Cannot Shame the Potato

This is the most important rule. You are not allowed to spend your entire Potato Day thinking, I should really be doing laundry. The house is a disaster. I haven't done anything today. I'm being lazy. The kids have been watching too much TV. Everyone else is probably being productive. I should at least clean the kitchen.

Because guess what? YOU ARE NO LONGER RESTING. Shocking, I know.

If your body is lying on the couch but your brain is conducting a full performance review of everything you have failed to accomplish, you are technically horizontal, but you are not necessarily resting.

This is something I work on constantly with moms. Finding the Potato Moment is actually the easy part. Removing the shame from the Potato Moment? Apparently this is where we need advanced training.

Mothers are remarkably skilled at turning rest into another opportunity to criticize themselves. We finally sit down and immediately begin mentally listing all the reasons we have not earned the right to sit down.

And this is where I bring in one of my favorite basic therapy tools.

The CBT Triangle Meets the Potato

In cognitive behavioral therapy, we often talk about the relationship between thoughts, feelings and behaviors. They all influence one another.

So imagine this. Behavior: I am lying on the couch watching Netflix. Seems innocent enough. Then comes the thought: I am being so lazy. Now comes the feeling: guilt. Maybe shame. Maybe anxiety.

Suddenly your nervous system is not getting the message, We are safe. We can rest. It is getting the message, WE ARE BEHIND. SOMETHING IS WRONG. GET UP.

So now you're lying on the couch watching Netflix while mentally being chased by a bear made entirely out of laundry. Not exactly restorative.

This is why part of taking a Potato Day is working with the thought. Instead of I'm being

lazy, try, My nervous system needs recovery. Instead of I should be doing something productive, try, Rest is what my body needs me to do right now. Instead of I don't deserve to sit here, try, I do not have to earn rest by completely exhausting myself first.

Same couch. Same potato. Completely different nervous system experience.

Why Are Moms So Bad at Resting?

Because motherhood has somehow turned rest into something we believe must be earned. Finish the laundry first. Clean the kitchen. Answer the emails. Make the appointments. Pack the lunches. Sign the school form. Respond to the birthday invitation. Order the new shoes because somehow everyone's feet grew overnight. Figure out why there are no clean socks despite purchasing approximately 4,000 pairs of socks since becoming a mother.

Then you can rest.

Except there is a small flaw in this plan. Motherhood is never finished.

There will always be another dish. Another email. Another permission slip. Another appointment. Another child standing six inches away from you saying “Mom” despite the fact that another fully capable parent is standing directly next to them.

If rest only happens after everything is finished, mothers will never rest. So we have to stop treating rest as the reward we receive after completing motherhood.

You cannot complete motherhood. There is no little screen at the end that says,

CONGRATULATIONS. ALL TASKS COMPLETED. YOU MAY NOW LIE DOWN. RIP.

Sometimes Blue Is Exactly Where You Need to Be

If you are familiar with the Zones of Regulation, green is generally where we think about feeling calm, focused, regulated and ready. Green feels good. We like green. But I think we sometimes make the mistake of believing we should be in the green zone all the time.

That is not how nervous systems work.

The blue zone can include feeling tired, low energy, sad, slow or depleted. And blue is not inherently bad. Sometimes blue is exactly what your body needs, especially after yellow and especially after red.

Think about what motherhood asks of your nervous system. Yellow might be getting three children out the door while someone cannot find a shoe, someone suddenly remembers they need a poster board today and someone is crying because their waffle “looks weird.”

Your body is activated. You're moving quickly. You're problem solving. You're managing emotions. You're watching the clock. You're trying not to yell. You're probably yelling. Your nervous system is working.

Or maybe yellow is a birthday party. People everywhere. Noise everywhere. Children everywhere. Conversations. Cake. Presents. Socializing. Watching your child. Making sure nobody dies on the bounce house.

You may be having fun. Your nervous system is still processing a tremendous amount of information.

Yellow doesn't always mean something bad is happening. It means there is activation.

Then there is red. Your child has a complete meltdown in Target. You lose your temper. Someone gets hurt. You're running late for something important. Your toddler has been screaming for forty minutes. Your teenager tells you something terrifying. You have an argument with your partner while someone is simultaneously asking you for a snack.

Your nervous system goes into full emergency response. You handle it. You survive it. You regulate everyone else.

And then we do something fascinating.

We expect ourselves to immediately return to green.

Blue Belongs After Yellow and Red

This is something I wish more mothers understood. After significant activation, your nervous system may need a period of deactivation and recovery. That can look blue.

You may feel tired. You may want quiet. You may not want anyone touching you. You may want to lie down. You may not want to make another decision. You may suddenly feel like you have absolutely nothing left.

Instead of recognizing that as recovery, moms often think, What is wrong with me?

Nothing necessarily has to be wrong. Your system may simply be saying, We did a lot. Please put us somewhere horizontal.

Yellow. Red. Blue. Then, eventually, green.

We cannot keep jumping from red directly back into productivity and wondering why we feel completely depleted. Sometimes blue is the bridge back to green.

What This Looks Like in Actual Motherhood

Maybe you spent Saturday at a soccer tournament. You packed snacks. Found uniforms. Drove everywhere. Socialized with other parents. Managed disappointment after a loss. Sat in the sun. Kept track of everyone's water bottles and somehow became personally responsible for knowing where every child's belongings were located.

That might be yellow for hours. Sunday morning? Potato.

Maybe your child had a massive meltdown before school. You stayed regulated as long as you could. Eventually you lost your patience. Everyone cried. You repaired. You got them to school. Then you sat in your car afterward and suddenly felt completely exhausted.

Potato Moment.

Maybe you have been working all week, managing appointments, getting everyone to activities, cooking dinner, helping with homework and carrying the invisible mental list of approximately 87 things nobody else seems to know exists. You finally get two hours alone.

You do not need to use those two hours to “get ahead.” You might need to become a potato.

Maybe you had a family vacation. And I know vacations are supposed to be relaxing. That is adorable. Mothers know that many family vacations are simply parenting in an unfamiliar location without any of your normal systems.

You come home needing a vacation from the vacation.

Potato Day.

Potato Moments Count Too

A Potato Day does not always have to be an entire day. For many moms, an entire day of doing absolutely nothing sounds about as realistic as someone delivering a live unicorn to the front porch.

So find Potato Moments. Twenty minutes after school drop off. Lying down while the baby naps instead of immediately folding laundry. Sitting in your car for ten minutes before going inside. Putting on a show after bedtime and consciously deciding the dishes can wait.

Maybe it means closing the bedroom door and telling your family, “Mom needs thirty minutes where nobody requires anything from her unless something is actively on fire.” And even then, depending on the size of the fire, perhaps find another adult first.

Potato Moments matter.

The important part is not necessarily how long you rest. The important part is whether you actually allow yourself to rest while you are doing it.

Rest Can Be Productive

This phrase makes some mothers deeply uncomfortable because we have been taught to measure productivity by output. What did you accomplish? What did you clean? What did you finish? What did you produce?

But your nervous system does not operate like a corporate quarterly report.

Sometimes the productive thing is stopping.

Rest supports attention. Rest supports emotional regulation. Rest helps us tolerate frustration. Rest gives us more capacity for connection. Rest can help us respond instead of react.

And perhaps most importantly, rest gives us a chance to feel like ourselves again.

That is the goal. Not permanent blue. We are not trying to become a potato indefinitely. At some point someone will need to put on pants.

The goal is allowing ourselves enough blue that our nervous system can eventually find its way back toward green. Calm. Connected. Present. More patient. More capable of handling the next inevitable request for a snack seven minutes after dinner.

You Don't Have to Earn Blue

This is probably the hardest part for mothers. You do not have to completely fall apart before you are allowed to rest.

You don't need to wait until you are screaming. You don't need to wait until you're crying in the bathroom. You don't need to wait until you resent everyone in your house. You don't need to reach red before you're allowed to choose blue.

Sometimes we can notice yellow and say, I am going to need recovery after this.

Imagine that. Planning for rest the same way we plan everything else.

Soccer game Saturday? Potato Sunday morning. Big family gathering? Potato evening.

Three days of nonstop work and kid activities? Potato Moment Friday afternoon.

Instead of treating recovery like something we reluctantly permit after our bodies force us to stop, we can start treating it as part of the plan.

Become the Potato

So here is your official therapeutic permission. Have the Potato Day. Take the Potato Moment. Wear the sweatpants. Lie on the couch. Watch the terrible television show. Order dinner. Leave the laundry.

And when your brain inevitably whispers, You should be doing something... bring out the CBT triangle. Notice the thought. Notice the guilt that follows it. And try something different.

I am recovering. My nervous system needs blue. Rest is part of regulation.

Because motherhood comes with plenty of yellow. It absolutely comes with red. And if we want to get ourselves back to green, we have to make room for blue.

No shame. No guilt. No mental performance review from the couch.

Just rest.

Be the potato.

Your nervous system will thank you. Your family might too.

Because sometimes the most productive thing a mother can do for everyone is absolutely nothing.

Comment below if you've ever had a Potato Day or Moment

Your friendly neighborhood therapist,

Joy

Moms Gone Mental