PDA, ADHD, Autism, and the Adult Version of “I Don’t Wanna”

There is a particular kind of neurodivergent experience that sounds something like this: “I was absolutely going to do that until you told me I needed to do it.”

Or maybe it is, “I know I need to make the appointment. I would actually like to make the appointment. I have been thinking about making the appointment for six days. But now that it has officially become A Thing I Have To Do, apparently I would rather reorganize my entire closet.”

Welcome to the complicated world of demands, autonomy, ADHD, autism, and PDA.

PDA commonly stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance, although many neurodivergent people prefer the term Persistent Drive for Autonomy because it better describes the internal experience. PDA is most commonly discussed in relation to autism, although demand avoidance can also show up alongside ADHD and other neurodivergent traits.

And no, turning 18 does not magically make it disappear. Adults just get better at disguising it.

Instead of a child yelling, “NO, I’M NOT PUTTING MY SHOES ON,” an adult might stare at an email for four days, reorganize a pantry, research air fryers, decide this is finally the day to learn Italian, and somehow still not schedule the dentist appointment.

Same nervous system. Better vocabulary. More access to Amazon.

It’s Not Always “I Don’t Want To”

One of the most important things to understand about demand avoidance is that it is not necessarily the same thing as simply refusing to do something. Sometimes you genuinely want to do the thing.

You want to text your friend back. You want to shower. You want to finish the project. You want to go to the dinner you agreed to attend. You may even be annoyed with yourself because you cannot understand why you are not doing it.

But somewhere between “I would like to do this” and “I have to do this,” your nervous system hits the brakes.

For some people with a PDA profile, demands can create a powerful threat response around loss of autonomy or control. For someone with ADHD, executive functioning challenges, transitions, task initiation, emotional regulation, overwhelm, and motivation can pile on top of that.

The outside world may see, “You’re being difficult.” The internal experience may feel more like, “I suddenly feel trapped and I need to get out.”

That distinction matters.

Adults Have PDA Moments Too

We talk about demand avoidance a lot in children because children have adults constantly telling them what to do. Brush your teeth. Put your shoes on. Get in the car. Do your homework. Stop licking your brother.

Adults technically have more autonomy, but adulthood is basically one enormous pile of demands wearing a trench coat.

Pay the mortgage.

Answer the email.

Make dinner.

Schedule the appointment.

Fill out the form.

Return the package.

Exercise. Drink water.

Remember spirit day.

Respond to the group text.

Figure out why there is another school fundraiser.

Because nobody is physically standing over us saying, “PUT YOUR SHOES ON,” adult demand avoidance can be harder to recognize. It might look like procrastination, irritability, shutting down, avoidance, exhaustion, or an overwhelming case of the I don’t wannas.

Sometimes it looks like functioning beautifully for everyone else all day and then becoming disproportionately furious because your spouse asks if you can take the trash out.

It is probably not actually about the trash.

The trash may simply be demand number 4,782.

Meet Your Demand Bucket

One of my favorite ways to understand this is through a demand bucket.

Imagine that every demand placed on your nervous system drops something into a bucket. Some demands are tiny. Reply to a text. Find matching socks. Put gas in the car. Others are bigger. Work deadlines. Parenting. Social obligations. Appointments. Conflict. Unexpected changes. Decision making. Sensory overload. Masking. Being needed by six different people while someone is making a repetitive noise nearby.

Every demand takes up a little space.

The tricky part is that neurodivergent brains do not necessarily experience the size of a demand based on how important or difficult it looks to someone else. “Just make the phone call” might take up half the bucket, while completing an elaborate project about something you are intensely interested in barely registers.

Because brains are fun like that.

When your bucket has space, you might be flexible. You can problem solve, tolerate interruptions, transition between tasks, and respond to a request with, “Sure.”

When your bucket starts getting full, something changes. Suddenly everything feels like one more thing. You might notice more irritability, avoidance, sensory sensitivity, exhaustion, difficulty initiating tasks, anger, or the increasingly powerful, “I. Don’t. Wanna.”

When the bucket completely overflows, you may start experiencing symptoms that resemble burnout. Things you normally manage suddenly feel impossible. You may withdraw, become more reactive, need significantly more recovery time, lose tolerance for sensory input, or feel overwhelmed by basic everyday tasks.

The goal is not to shame yourself into carrying a bigger bucket. The goal is to recognize when yours is getting full.

Try the Demand Bucket Check

When you notice yourself becoming unusually angry, avoidant, overwhelmed, or stuck, ask yourself one question:

How full is my demand bucket right now?

Then look at what is actually inside it. Work demands, parenting demands, social demands, sensory demands, emotional demands, household demands, decisions, transitions, upcoming obligations, and all the things you have been forcing yourself through lately.

Sometimes the thing triggering the reaction is not actually the problem. It is simply the thing that finally made the bucket overflow.

This can also be incredibly helpful with kids. Instead of immediately asking, “Why are they reacting like this over something so small?” we can ask, “How full was their bucket before I added this demand?”

Sometimes putting on shoes really is just putting on shoes.

Sometimes putting on shoes is the final demand after a day of school, masking, sensory input, transitions, social expectations, hunger, homework, and being told what to do approximately 900 times.

Replace “Should” With “Could”

Language matters, especially when your nervous system is already feeling trapped.

One of the biggest offenders is the word should.

“I should clean the kitchen.” “I should work out.” “I should answer that email.” “I should be more productive.” “I should have handled this already.” Like I always say, stop "shoulding" on yourself!

Should is basically a tiny judgmental life coach living inside your brain with a clipboard.

Try replacing should with could.

“I could clean the kitchen tonight.” “I could answer the email now.” “I could take a shower before bed.”

It sounds almost ridiculously simple, but “could” introduces something incredibly important: choice.

And choice can reduce the feeling of being trapped.

If You Feel Trapped, Create Choices

When demand avoidance is connected to autonomy, pushing harder can sometimes create even more resistance. Instead, look for choices within the demand.

“I could answer this email now or after lunch.”

“I could shower tonight or tomorrow morning.”

“I could clean the entire kitchen or just load the dishwasher.”

“I could stay at this event for two hours or give myself permission to leave after one.”

“This project needs to get done today. Do I want to start with the easiest part or the most interesting part?”

The demand may still exist. Taxes unfortunately do not disappear because we have identified our neurodivergence.

But there is a huge difference between “I HAVE TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW” and “This needs to happen. How do I want to approach it?”

That little bit of autonomy can matter.

Sometimes the Answer Is Fewer Demands

We have a tendency to respond to overwhelm by adding more strategies.

Make a morning routine. Start exercising. Meal prep on Sundays. Meditate. Journal. Drink more water. Make a gratitude list. Organize your calendar. Download an app. Wake up earlier.

Congratulations. Your nervous system is overwhelmed by demands.

Here are nine additional demands for managing your demands.

Sometimes the better question is not, “How can I make myself do more?” It is, “What can come out of the bucket?”

What can be postponed? What can be delegated? What can become optional? What can be simplified? What expectation did I create for myself that nobody actually asked me to meet? What decision can I eliminate? Where can I give myself more autonomy?

Reducing demands is not the same thing as avoiding life. Sometimes it is what gives your nervous system enough capacity to actually participate in it again.

The Takeaway

If you recognize demand avoidance in yourself, start paying attention to patterns instead of judging individual moments. Notice what happens when your schedule gets packed. Notice what happens after several days of socializing or masking. Notice whether transitions make you more irritable. Notice whether being told to do something feels dramatically different from deciding to do the exact same thing yourself.

And notice the I don’t wannas.

They may actually be information.

Your nervous system might be telling you that your demand bucket is getting full.

When that happens, remember three things: check the bucket, remove what you reasonably can, and restore choice wherever possible.

Change “I should” into “I could.”

Change “I have to” into “How do I want to approach this?”

And when you feel trapped, look for the places where you still have choices.

The goal is not a life without demands. Unless someone has discovered that version of adulthood, in which case please send me the brochure.

The goal is understanding how your nervous system responds to demands so you can work with your brain instead of spending your entire life fighting it.

Because sometimes “I don’t wanna” does not mean lazy, difficult, immature, or unmotivated.

Sometimes it means, “My bucket is full.”

And that is useful information.

Your friendly neighborhood therapist,

Joy

Moms Gone Mental is a community and educational resource. This content is for education and is not a substitute for individualized medical or mental health care.