Self Care for Moms Who Do Not Have Time for Self Care

I have a complicated relationship with the phrase self care.

In theory, it sounds lovely. Take time for yourself. Fill your cup. Prioritize your needs. Get a massage. Take a bath. Meditate. Journal. Develop a skincare routine involving seventeen products and apparently a small refrigerator specifically for your face.

Wonderful.

And who, exactly, is watching the children?

Because sometimes telling an overwhelmed mother that she needs more self care feels a little like looking at someone drowning and saying, “Have you considered swimming?”

When Self Care Becomes Another Job

Somewhere along the way, self care became very ambitious. It stopped meaning “take care of yourself” and started looking like a morning routine involving yoga, lemon water, gratitude journaling, dry brushing, meditation, protein, ten thousand steps, and becoming the kind of woman who owns matching beige containers.

Now self care is another thing we are apparently failing at.

Didn’t exercise today.

Didn’t meditate.

Didn’t meal prep.

Forgot my vitamins.

Drank coffee instead of water.

Stayed up too late because it was the only time nobody was asking me for anything.

Excellent.

I have now added failing at self care to the list of things I can feel guilty about.

For mothers especially, “You need to practice more self care” can actually feel incredibly invalidating. Because the problem often is not that Mom does not understand the concept.

She knows she needs a break.

She would LOVE a break.

The issue is that there is a child standing outside the bathroom asking where his blue water bottle is while another child is yelling that his brother looked at him weird.

Also, Why Do Men Get to Poop for So Long?

I would like someone to conduct a formal scientific investigation into the amount of time mothers versus fathers spend pooping.

Because I have questions.

How is it possible that a man can enter the bathroom and apparently begin a spiritual pilgrimage?

Twenty minutes.

Thirty minutes.

Forty minutes.

Sir, are you okay in there?

Meanwhile, mothers somehow pee while answering questions, opening a snack, checking the school app, locating a missing shoe, and listening to someone explain Minecraft.

Perhaps the lengthy man poop has been self care all along.

Maybe nobody told us.

Maybe we do not need a spa membership.

Maybe we just need to start announcing, “I have to poop,” and disappearing for 35 minutes with our phones.

Honestly, I respect the strategy.

Maybe We Need to Redefine Self Care

What if self care does not have to mean doing something impressive?

What if it simply means giving your nervous system what it needs?

Sometimes that is movement, connection, laughter, therapy, or a night out with friends.

Sometimes it is lying horizontally in a dark room while nobody speaks to you. Find a closet, any closet.

Sometimes self care is not adding something.

It is stopping.

This is why I like reframing self care as down time, Blue Zone time, or even just meeting your basic human needs.

If you are familiar with Zones of Regulation, Blue Zone describes a lower energy state. We often think we need to stay in the Green Zone all the time. Calm. Focused. Productive. Emotionally available. Ready to gently validate everyone's feelings.

But human beings are not designed to live permanently in Green.

Sometimes your body needs Blue.

You need to be tired. Quiet. Slow. Horizontal. Unproductive.

You might need to stare at a television show you have already watched six times because your brain cannot process a new plot.

That counts.

Sometimes Self Care Is Embarrassingly Basic

Before we discuss massages and girls’ weekends, can we talk about the fact that many mothers are trying to regulate their nervous systems while hungry, dehydrated, overstimulated, and needing to pee?

Sometimes self care is eating lunch.

Not your child's abandoned chicken nugget.

Your own lunch. Wild concept!

Sometimes it is drinking water before your third coffee.

Sometimes it is taking your medication.

Going outside for five minutes.

Changing into comfortable clothes.

Sitting down.

Taking a shower.

Going to bed instead of doing “one more thing.”

Closing the bedroom door for ten minutes.

Putting your phone on Do Not Disturb.

These things are not glamorous enough to put on a wellness influencer's Instagram account, but your nervous system does not care whether your regulation strategy is aesthetically pleasing.

The Mini Self Care Menu

If you have three small children, a full time job, a partner working late, and approximately 47 tabs open in your brain, I am probably not going to prescribe a two hour morning routine.

We need mini self care.

Two minutes counts.

Five minutes counts.

Ten minutes absolutely counts.

Your mini self care might be sitting in your car for five minutes before walking into the house. Taking your coffee outside and drinking the first few sips without doing anything else. Putting headphones on while folding laundry. Standing in the shower for two extra minutes. Taking a lap around the block. Stretching on the floor while your kids play. Ordering dinner instead of making it. Saying no to something you technically could attend but absolutely do not want to attend.

You could also have a Blue Zone emergency plan.

When you notice yourself getting snappy, overstimulated, exhausted, or developing a sudden desire to move alone into a studio apartment, ask yourself:

What is the smallest thing I could do right now that would reduce the demands on my nervous system?

Not fix everything.

Not become my best self.

Just reduce the load by 5 percent.

Maybe everyone gets cereal for dinner.

Maybe you cancel the thing.

Maybe the dishes stay in the sink.

Maybe you tell your family, “Mom needs ten minutes where nobody asks her anything unless something is actively on fire.”

That is self care too.

But Sometimes I Want Actual Self Care

Now, I do not want to overcorrect and pretend mothers should be perfectly satisfied with drinking water and sitting in the Target parking lot.

Meeting basic needs should not be the pinnacle of maternal wellness.

Sometimes you deserve to #TREAT YOSELF.

The ideal Treat Yoself Day is different because it is not about recovering just enough to continue functioning. It is about actually experiencing pleasure, autonomy, and rest.

Maybe you sleep until your body decides it is done sleeping. You drink coffee while it is still hot. You get a massage or facial. You wander through stores alone and touch things nobody needs. You eat lunch somewhere without cutting another person's food. You get your nails done. You read. You take a nap. You meet a friend. You go to Pilates. You watch a movie. You order dinner. You do absolutely nothing.

The most important part?

Nobody needs you.

For a few hours, you are not the keeper of the snacks, scheduler of appointments, finder of shoes, regulator of emotions, signer of permission slips, purchaser of birthday gifts, or person who somehow knows where everyone's water bottle is.

You get to just be you.

That kind of self care matters too.

Self Care Should Not Become Another “Should”

There is a bigger issue underneath all of this.

Mothers do not need another person telling them what they should be doing.

“You should make more time for yourself.”

Okay.

When, Felicia?

Instead of asking mothers why they are not practicing enough self care, maybe we should start asking:

What is making it so difficult for you to get your basic needs met?

Who can help?

What can come off the schedule?

What can be delegated?

What expectation can be lowered?

Where can we create ten minutes of actual down time?

Because self care cannot always be an individual solution to a workload problem.

Sometimes Mom does not need another coping skill.

She needs someone else to unload the dishwasher.

Your Self Care Does Not Have to Be Impressive

Self care can be a spa day.

It can also be hiding in your bedroom eating cheese.

It can be therapy.

It can be canceling plans.

It can be Pilates.

It can be lying on the couch.

It can be a girls’ weekend.

It can be three uninterrupted minutes in the bathroom.

The question is not, “Am I doing enough self care?”

Try asking:

“What does my nervous system need right now?”

Maybe you need movement.

Maybe you need connection.

Maybe you need silence.

Maybe you need food.

Maybe you need sleep.

Maybe you need fun.

Maybe you need Blue Zone time where absolutely nothing productive happens and you refuse to feel guilty about it.

And every once in a while, you need the full Treat Yoself Day.

But until then, take the five minutes.

Close the door.

Drink the coffee.

Meet the basic need.

Leave the dishes.

And apparently, if all else fails, tell everyone you have to poop💩🪠.

We have learned from the masters.

Your friendly neighborhood therapist,

Joy

Moms Gone Mental is a community and educational resource. This content is for education and is not a substitute for individualized medical or mental health care.